noun: The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitude, esp. as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.
This morning, after getting dressed, I happened to glance in the dresser mirror. For a moment, I was confused by what I saw. I looked like a different person. The shape of my body was considerably different from what my brain expected to see. My first thought was, “how did I never notice that the mirror doesn’t reflect accurately?” Almost immediately, I knew that was wrong. The mirror is fine; it reflects exactly what is before it. It’s not some funhouse mirror that alters the image.
My next thought was, “oh crap, my inner fat girl is back.” But I knew that wasn’t true either. The inner fat girl really is gone. Perhaps for the very first time, I was really seeing who I am, and seeing that I’m a new person. Karen 2.0, as a friend calls me.
I know I’ve lost weight; a lot of weight since I started losing in mid-July. I can see it on the scale at the doctor’s office, and the graph she keeps in her computer that shows my weight dropping at an amazingly steep angle. I can see my face is thinner. My cheekbones and jaw line are back. And my clothes are falling off. Literally. The skirts I wore all summer no longer fit at the waist. They drop down to my hips and then fall to the ground. My hips are smaller than my waist was in July. That’s pretty cool. I need to drag out the sewing machine, and take everything in.
Change is a funny thing. I can either resist, or go with it. Since I chose this change, I’m cheerfully going with it. Some of the people I know aren’t as cheerful about my changes. Almost everyone has a comment or criticism. “You’re losing weight too fast.” “I heard that’s a bad diet.” “You’ll never hit your target weight range.” “You can’t write this book and get it published.” They’re suffering from cognitive dissonance too. The Karen they knew is gone and the new Karen doesn’t tolerate personal criticism, yelling, or belittling. I’ll give them time to adjust to the new me, and go with it. I don’t think anyone really believed I was going to follow through with losing weight for the last time in my life, and writing a book about it.
Karen 2.0 is not an idea or theory. It is, I am, reality.